It's so hard to say goodbye

I aspire to be a stay at home mom one day.

Let me explain what I mean.




Once you have your kid, you get maternity leave. For most people, it is anywhere from 3-4 months. With my amazing job, I was able to take off an entire year. Yes, I was still getting paid. They were not big paychecks but I still got something so that I can keep my insurance. My insurance is better than my husband's so I might at well keep that.

Lonely convo moment 😂

When I was home for that year, it was a tough year! I felt alone. I was around this amazing baby that did not want to sleep, fed all the time (felt like a cow!), and cried more than I thought he would. My son is such a happy baby and when he finally started showing his personality, he was always laughing and smiling. I love being around him but it was hard being just around him. Our conversations were one-way conversations. If I was being recorded, they would have committed me. I sometimes thought I was crazy but only after I would finish my conversation. I still had some amazing conversations.

However...

I would still be a stay at home mom again. Being home for that first year was amazing in so many ways and I would never take it back. If this was something we could afford, I would do it in a heartbeat. When I have another child, I plan to do the same thing and stay home for their first year as well.

Going to work is hard now. I live in Orlando and work out of Seattle. I commute to Seattle to go to work. Sometimes my son understands and will wave me goodbye and blow me a kiss (the cutest thing I have ever seen!) Other times, he will pout and try to get me to take him with me. I wish I could take him with me though. When he does that, I just want to break down and cry and never leave his side. It is really hard to leave my family to go to work. I would not change that because I love what I do and the benefits/pay are amazing. I know some people will think what I am doing is wrong for my son but I am doing what everyone else does, providing for my family. I am just doing it in a different way.

I have had so many moments when I find myself on my layover and I just start to cry in my hotel room. I am not ashamed to say that. I cry because I miss him so much. My family would send me pictures so I can see how he is doing and see the silly/funny things that he does. I love it when they do that but at the same time, it just makes me sad that I was not there to see it in person. I facetime with him as much as I can but I feel bad doing that because then he gets upset when I have to hang up. This is something that hurts my heart so much but in the end, I know that I am doing something that will make our lives better. My son is my world and it is the hardest thing in the world to go back to work. I have thought about finding another job but doing that would only hurt my family.

What I do, I do for my family. We have plans to buy our dream home and then I can finally cut back on my flying. I know that one day my son will understand. I also plan to bring him to work with me one day. I want my husband and son to join me on a flight that I work so that my son can see what it is that mommy does. It will take time but the sadness will eventually end.

Mommy loves you so much!!!